I hate being the caretaker to someone who is dying and refuses to accept that she is dying. I hate that I have to give up my future, I can't finish school, I can't work a normal job...all so I can play caregiver to a miserable, emotionally manipulative bitch.
I hate the constant Dr's appointments, I hate filling the pills, I hate going to the pharmacy, I hate PT/OT/Home Health assholes walking in here every fucking day and telling me how things should be. Fuck them. seriously, they have no idea how long we have been playing this game. I hate specialists, how about more drugs to manage the drugs that you are taking...to prolong a death that is coming.
I hate the fact that she makes $200 too much for Medi-cal which would have at least gotten us IHSS help. But no, instead, her ENTIRE income goes for Medicare, prescriptions, and the copays she racks up seeing every fucking Dr's in the North Valley. I hate the Medicare doughnut hole which she is CONSTANTLY in...it never stops...sure we can drop $300 on a bottle of insulin.
I hate dialysis 3x a week, I hate that we struggle to find rides for her to it. Yeah, forget family, drugs took that pipe dream...and the rest are too selfish or broken themselves. I hate that we live in poverty so we can care for her...that my children are missing out on opportunities so she can suck in more sympathy in her struggle to "get better" from two terminal diseases. (yeah, I don't think she gives two shits that professionals say she is dying...we can fight that! Maybe some more prayer)
Today is Caleb's birthday, and instead of making my 10-year-old his birthday cake...I'm on the phone with more Dr.s...making more appointments to appease more visiting caregivers (who btw drop her next week). I don't want to do this anymore. Instead, he's catering to her needs because she can't walk today. And she's depressed and crying about her lot in life...forget that it's his birthday...let's make it all about her as usual. Let's cry and have a break down because the only place she gets to go is dialysis.
I swear that if I ever get this sick, I will take the now legal suicide drugs and save my family from wasting decades of their lives while I rot and become an emotional manipulate, depressed, miserable human being. Loving your family means putting them first and knowing when it's time to clock out on your own terms.
And she is just getting worse, what comes next is bedridden 100%. So then I guess I quit working 100% and become her personal nurse since Medicare will only let her stay in a nursing home for 21 days and she makes too much money for Medi-cal.